just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
