I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
