can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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