eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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