my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
