I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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