she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
