I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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