Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
