dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
