Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
