Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
