I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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