I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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