You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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