One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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