Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
