The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
