I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
