Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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