I just pynch a tree in the face
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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