I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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