I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
