How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
