I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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