your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
