i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
