His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
