he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
