Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
