i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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