I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
