Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
