Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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