well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
