somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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