This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
