Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
