I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
