Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
