Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
