She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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