Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize