dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
