Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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