I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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