I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
