Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
