my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
