I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize