yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
