Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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