WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I intend to get homeless drunk
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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