My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize