Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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