i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
