Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
