I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
